a bit about me : step inside my head for a few minutes

As a self-deprecating divorced mother of two wildly awesome young boys, I often wear a very tight tee-shirt emblazoned with a bulls-eye, the fabric of which is woven from a magical blend of inappropriate humor, fearless observation, filter-less living, empirical wit, and irreverent sarcasm.

The Monkey’s Off My Back But The Circus Is Still In Town is a collection of comedic short essays, musings in memoir, and some food for thought on becoming a real live grown-up. As a direct result of my deformed emotions, numerous character defects, desperate narcissism, and poor decision-making, I will undoubtedly save at least four people in the world. Serious time and agony can be avoided with the cliffs notes of my personal misfortune in hand, the result of which will be warm tears running down your legs.

To the people of the world, I say, you’re welcome.

My stories are 100% true, self-narrated encounters, unbelievable occurrences, and opinionated observations that have taken place throughout my 43 years. I began this blog, and writing in general on April 10th, 2012. I started writing as an outlet, and rather unexpectedly, it became an indispensable part of my life. I voiced my thoughts, fears, hopes, and opinions. It was very fucking loud and self-deprecating and rooted mostly in a humorous view of my experiences, both past and present. Sometimes I am hard and in-your-face and funny, much like I am. Other times I find myself remembering differently, with more connection and love.

However, many challenges arise regarding my choice to live transparently through this blog.

When I meet someone in the real live walking and talking world, and they find out my last name, they, and anyone else they know that can use Google – family, coworkers, etc. can then have access to basically every shadowy corner of my life. I am 100% OK with this, obviously, or I would have never chosen to put it out there in the first place.

It is impossible to glimpse through a few pieces of writing and make a true assessment, let alone a judgement of me, or anyone else for that matter. It is like picking up a book, reading a few pages, putting it back on the shelf and then having your weekly book club over to give them a complete synopsis on whether the book is good or bad. I have a hard time believing, if you read all 200+ posts on this blog, that you would see anything other than a good, honest, loving, truthful human being at the core. I may be a lot of things, but one thing you can’t call me is dishonest. I am exposed, from the inside out, all of my struggles, failures and successes, thoughts and emotions…how many people can say that they are that self-actualized? My guess is not many. In no way am I saying or even implying that people need to put their life story on the interwebs in order to be free…what I am saying, is that I needed to. I needed to turn myself inside out, to be raw and exposed, honest and true, and I have been liberated in a profound way as a result.

The truth will set you free, and I am free. I live in the truth, always, every moment, every day, and I am fully alive.

I do not let the dogma of others effect or shame me, my experiences, or my person in any way. I spent my entire life doing that, hiding, living behind a facade, keeping up appearances, being who I thought everyone else wanted me to be. That took me further and further away from my true self, so much so that I was lost, and drowning, and trying desperately to escape the person in the mirror that I didn’t even recognize. Now, my life is authentic, in the truest most pure sense of the word.

Authentic.

I know who I am, and anyone who knows me, knows who I am.

Obviously, I put everything out here, and that was my choice when I first began. I had my fair share of band-aids to rip off with family as a result of living in the truth, and I understand that the measuring stick by which I gauge my own comfort level of exposure does not apply to everyone else. What I write about is the human condition, and I choose to live out loud in hopes of helping others who have struggled as well. There is power in realizing that we are not alone, and that in spite of it all, not only can we survive, but we can thrive and succeed beyond our wildest dreams.

That is my message. That is who I am.

This blog is not just writing, it is me, my life, a living human being with the capacity to love and be loved. I can be funny, tragic, sarcastic, irreverent, thoughtful, soulful, insightful, outrageous or inappropriate. Some posts will make you cry, others will make you cringe, while others will make you laugh out loud. Some will make you think about your own life, your own missteps, your own struggles and successes.

No matter what you think, they will inspire emotion and thought, and that is the point.

I have learned that it is really none of my business what other people think about me. Feelings aren’t facts. I am solid with who I am. I know that I am a good person, raising amazing children and living a life that is filled with caring, love and immense gratitude. I will follow my path, remain in this space, I am unshakable in it.

Hope you enjoy the ride.

Tracy