why my blog sucks this week.

I haven’t had a cigarette in 9 days. All I can sit still long enough to write are stupid posts about how long it’s been since I’ve had a cigarette. I want to punch people in the face most of the time. I can’t focus. If 2 coat hangers get tangled together in the closet, it will trigger a 15 minute nervous breakdown. I actually cried over spilled milk. My nerves are shot, a loud noise is like a bell sounding in a boxing ring. I’ve had a splitting headache for 5 days straight. I’m actually losing my voice from yelling so much at everything. I have horrible nightmares and wake up sweating like 4 times a night. I could easily eat 59 pounds of food a day, but have to struggle not to do that, too. My dog is making me crazy. All of those facts make tears run down my face. But I’m doing it. It is slowly getting a little better, and hopefully within another week or so, I’ll be able to write blogs that don’t blow.

The End.

these are not fun facts

these are not fun facts

I googled "nervous breakdown" and this was first. It is perfect.

I googled “nervous breakdown” and this was first. It is perfect.

23 replies

  1. Although you feel like killing someone, you’re going to get through this, Tracy. You’re a strong woman. You kicked drinking and drugs. You can kick this. You are doing this for yourself and for your kids. Stay strong. Good luck.

  2. Tracy,
    Just stick to the plan! I made the mistake of smoking after 2 weeks of not-smoking (I must admit that it was feeling like I was going to kill somebody, anybody, without remorse back then). Just try to hang on [insert please don’t punch me in the face, I know it’s hard].

  3. Tracy, how many were you smoking a day? That might be related to how bad it is at the moment. The first time I stopped (and unfortunately didn’t ‘stay stopped’ as I started again several years later) I was smoking a staggering 80 a day. Think about that. This is NOT a ‘if I can do it, so can you’ as we’re all different, but my thought is that if you can face it, it might be better if you were to do a slower withdrawal instead, for instance use nicotine gum or a patch or something like that.

    But – however you choose to do it – my best wishes are with you. You’ll get there. Hugs.

    • 80??!! Good lord woman! I’m SO PROUD of you for kicking that. I have been a pack a day for almost 30 years. I’ve quit successfully 3 times, for about 1-2 years each time. Quitting sucks, and I want this to be the last time I ever have to do it. I have the lowest dose nic gum for emergencies, and have chewed about 2 pieces a day. I can live with that.
      Thanks my friend. Hugs back.

      • You should have seen me smoking in hospital, one time! People today would be shocked. Then – well, we didn’t give a fuck really.

  4. soooooo i quit smoking october 2011 after 22 years of marlboro reds. honestly, i see so many similarities in our personalities and histories/experiences based on your writings that it frightens me sometimes…or rather comforts me i guess because it makes me feel like a little less of a freakshow 🙂 anyway, i wanted to share something that helped me, because if your thinking is anywhere near mine maybe it might help you?
    one of the things that actually kept me going in my quest was my tendency toward self deprecation. when i really, really thought hard about it, and got honest with myself, i would feel embarrassed that something external could have that much control over me. by all accounts and if you listen to anyone who knows me, i’m such a “strong” woman. What kind of strong woman is an utter submissive, powerless slave to a stupid little cigarette?
    don’t get me wrong – it’s been a year and a half and i still miss my best friend Marlboro. i love smoking, i want a cigarette right now, and i really don’t care about all the scientific reasons i shouldn’t have one. but every day that goes by without one is another day of the count that i do NOT want to reset to 0; and i’m glad to be rid of the shame of being such a sheep.
    (also, i think i stayed in my bed every minute possible for the first month i was quitting – only got out for whatever i had to do! and drank LOTS of water)
    hope any of this helps. and PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK, even if it’s begrudgingly and with a sour face.

  5. Keep reminding yourself of the KNOWN rewards of quitting. And most definitely DO NOT under any circumstances have earth-shattering phenomenal sex that is deserving of a sweet smoke afterwards! (ducks from incoming missles!) Kidding, messing with you.

    Finding some other energized activities may help but I know what the “detoxing window” is like. As you already know, it does pass.

  6. You know what got me through the worst of quitting? Thinking……IF I start again I will have to go through this shit all over again and it is NOT worth it, because I NEVER want to go through this crap again!

    Sending light and love.

  7. I’ll come back when you stop yelling at us, been there done that. love your writing (well, before this). I don’t like being yelled at by anyone. Please let us know when it is safe to go back into the water. I AM proud of you for doing this!!!

  8. Tracy,
    Congratulations on nine days. When you first quit, nine hours seems fucking impossible. It’s crazy when you start tasting and smelling things that you never could before. It’s a great thing you’re doing. At a pack a day you’ve already saved $80 on not buying smokes (based on MA average $8.50/ pack) Which is awesome. Keep it up, my friend.
    PS- Can I borrow $80?

  9. Love all the comments above…you have some very entertaining followers! Well, having never been a smoker, except at college parties when I was too drunk to not smoke, I can not imagine what you are going through. But it sounds as though with that will of steel you have, you will be successful. I’m rooting for you. Sorry I don’t have something hilarious to say…that’s your domain 🙂

  10. Find a scripture that you can meditate on. One that shows how God wants to help you and will hold you up in these difficult times. I would give you one myself but part of the journey is for you to find it. You can do this.

  11. I remember my grandpa telling me that quitting was the hardest thing he ever did in his life – another week and it’ll be more of a nuisance than something that debilitates you. Hang in there!

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