keep the change.

When I was drunk I used to have a fucking blast amusing myself. The world was my playground, and I was usually the obnoxious, bossy kid that would throw sand in your face and then point and laugh, metaphorically, of course. On the real playground when I was a kid, I was the one who got made fun of a lot, so I became bossy and learned words like “fuck you”, because I don’t care what they say about sticks and stones, a fuck you from a six year old packs a punch.

One of my very favorite things to do was use other things in place of money to try to pay for shit. For example, I would go to a drive thru, order like I was pretending it was for four people when it was really just for my drunk ass, and hand them my Blockbuster card without flinching. They would be all like, “ma’am, this is a Blockbuster card” and I would be all like, “that’s right” and they would look at me with such utter confusion then say something like, “well we don’t take Blockbuster cards” and I would say “then throw in a video with my order” and they would say “we don’t have videos ma’am, this is McDonalds” and as the line of annoyed patrons behind me got longer, I would say “fine then, give it back” and they would, and I would hand them my AT&T long distance calling card and say “keep the change.”

At this point they would get pretty annoyed, and say something like “you’ll have to pay with real money now or you can leave” and I would say “ok, then I need to change my order a little because I don’t have enough” and I would get a super irritated eye-roll and a “what then?” and I would say “Ronald wouldn’t like you to be so snappy” as the line behind me was now around the building and people were starting to honk. “Give me a small Dr. Pepper, but hold the ice and put it in a large cup.”

The length of this game varied greatly, depending on the patience and intelligence of my subject, but I always felt like I really got my money’s worth when I finally forked over the cash.


32 replies

  1. Now this makes my half-hour conversation with a customer about the difference between a two-piece chicken dinner and a three-piece chicken dinner make wayyyy more sense.

  2. The funniest thing I did at a McDonalds:
    I needed ice for my pint of cheap alcohol but I didn’t want to just order ice in case they spit in it or whatever so I ordered a 99 cent mcchicken, and then they had those trash cans that reach out to the car, so I took the chicken and the ice and drove like 3 feet and put the chicken in the trash. My friend and I laughed about that for about an hour. It doesn’t sound funny on paper, but try it, totally worth a dollar and the feeling that you’re kind of an asshole for throwing away food.

  3. I think that a Blockbuster card might actually be worth something now. It’s kind of a rarity. I might try this game next time I start a tab at a bar and see if they notice. I think my friend and I actually shared a Blockbuster membership, so my name probably isn’t on there anyway…

  4. Words: excellent, as always. Image: best pastiche ever, in a Georges Braque-ish sort of photo-shoppy way that leaves me in a transfixed stupor, imagining the scene as actually possible. Nay, more real than real. Ahh. Keep it up.

  5. I think you got real problems if you ever get them to accept it. Haha. Think of the late charges at Blockbuster!

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