plenty of fish my ass


One of my very favorite pastimes is people watching.  For true.  I love to play the game My Life as strangers pass by.  It’s a nifty little sociological study rooted in perception, intuition and laser focused attention to detail.

With this said, I have found a proverbial goldmine!  A beautiful untapped reservoir right at my fingertips.  How have I never known of this, what an utterly hilfuckingarious way to completely waste hour upon hour, under the guise of “research” for my “blog”.

Online Motherfucking Dating.

Holy Shit.  I am a full-on kid with Tourette’s in a candy store.

I had NO IDEA what this world was all about.  The one’s I have checked out are Match, Zoosk, OKCupid and last but not least, Plenty Of Fish.  I only thought there were 2, Match and eHarmony.  Who knew there were like a million sites catering to every possible genre and fetish imaginable.

My first target (because it’s free and a crazy clown told me about it) was Plenty of Fish…or

OK, so first you create your profile, write some shit about yourself, put up a few pics, and answer between 20-150 questions.  I thought, shit, let’s have some fun!  So I put up a few pics, answered my zillion questions, and then put up the kind of paragraph about myself that fit perfectly inline with my blog and writing style.  Full disclosure, basically posted a lot from my intro page here and totally stated that I was 10 months sober, and that I didn’t have a drinking problem, I had a stopping problem.

Click.  Posted it.  Let the games begin!

Not to toot my own horn, but toot toot!   Within 2 hours I had 37 messages in my inbox!  This was awesome!  As I began opening the messages, I realized that on one hand I would never be dating again, but on the other that I would never ever run out of blog material.

The photo’s that people post ASTOUND me.  Hi!  I think I’ll take my photo shirtless in my bathroom mirror with a broken towel rack in the background!  Hi!  I think I’ll take a picture of my living room instead of me because that will really bring in the ladies!  WTF?

I was poking around and a chat box came up, just for fun I engaged, here was the conversation:

Douche: Hey, you’re real hot, do you want to go dancing?

Me: I love dancing, I go about 4 times a week.

Douche:  Where do you go dancing?

Me:  Church basements mostly.

Douche:  What kind of dancing do you do in church basements?

Me:  The Twelve Step Shuffle.  I’m awesome at it.

End of chat.

Without further ado, here are a few of the hopefuls that landed in my inbox.  Tell me I’m exaggerating.

Rrrrrraaaahhhhhhrrrrhhhhh.  That shit made me shart I laughed sooooo freaking hard and snot flew out of my nose all over my computer screen.  This was the first one I had opened, I was a junkie, and I needed more.


Seriously?  That’s the best you could do?  Do you remember that you’re trying to get an actual date?  Maybe next time try not making a face like you’re getting a rectal exam and perhaps lose the white undershirt in the pool.

Next contestant:

I don’t even think I have a comment, but I will let you know that “he is really into cuddling.”


Hell Yeah!  Fuckin’ A right!  What’s Up Ladies!


To me this says “I live at home in my Mom’s basement and am most likely missing a few teeth.  I live on Slurpees and Crystal Meth.”

Next on deck:

This must have been the best you could do with your Kodak Instamatic back in 1979.

It puts the lotion in the basket.

And last but not least:

Nice, real nice.

So my friends, see how fun this can be!  I wasted my entire evening!

It really is fascinating, and hilarious.  Besides that, no one will be putting their pony in my stable anytime soon.

You’re Welcome.

47 replies

  1. It puts the lotion in the basket….oh so funny.
    That last dude doesn’t happen to be Mormon does he? Our kind are the only ones that wear black socks with shorts.
    It is amazing that they have different sites that cater to different people. I actually found my significant other on The bad thing, the pictures aren’t any better on this site.

  2. Oh WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Amazing. Very entertaining! FYI, my ex-husband just entered into his second round of marital bliss with a woman he met on Plenty of Fish. I don’t know it’s good or bad. Time will tell…

  3. I did cry a little, that’s how funny this stuff is. I can only wonder why Man Boobs up top would ever think a shirtless photo would do his physique justice? Can’t believe you don’t want to cuddle that.

  4. Trixie Fucks,
    I’ve met my wife on Plenty of Fish. After 5 months of on-line dating… There were better sites than the latter, but none of them were as entertaining as POF… I was still a raging drunk and that dating site provided hours and hours of pleasure… And not the fuzzy warm fun under the blankets… More like the I’M LAUGHING AT YOU type of fun. Will we be reading part II soon enough?
    Le Clown with a much less funny answer the second time around after WP erased my fucking comment.

    • LeClown,
      Part 2, part 3, part 4…hi, have we met? I’m Tracy, if it’s not worth overdoing it’s not worth doing. I can beat the shit out of a dead horse.

  5. OMG I couldve sent u some more prime pictures – my friends and I wanted to do a coffee table book of the freaks we’ve seen on these sights!! I have soooo many stories!!! Please do a Part II !!!

  6. Oh lawdy! And I’ve been thinking of joining POF. Please, please tell me there are at least *some* better people on there to look forward to. I need to have some hope!

  7. When I have those moments of “is that all there is” I have signed up for Match twice in the past ten years — dated two, communicated with a bunch …. oh the experience — snaps me right out of the loneliness.
    If the pictures aren’t enough — the opportunity to present themselves in writing — I can not wait to hear your reviews!
    Have thought for a long time that most men need coaching on the basics of what is desirable to women for a first impression.
    If I thought it would help I would setup a resume service for men who want to date — as opposed to filling their fantasies.

  8. I must say that I once had a profile on Adult Friend Finder… just for shits and giggles…. (Mostly giggles)

    I love it when complete strangers post pictures of their members…. yes, because disembodied cock and balls are sooo fucking sexy.

  9. Seriously….what a way to get a chick’s attention… cock n balls

    “Hey baby, you interested?” (see attached photo of my cock n balls)

    “Sweet bajezus man, those things are down to your knees”

  10. hysterical and frustrating. I have been in the wars myself. Match and eharmony just suck. But POF and OK Cupid are fun for the insanity. The shirtless men abound, totally inappropriate matches….just insane. I will say, tho, that I did meet one man on POF and had a little relationship with him….a very nice guy. Didn’t work out in the end, but a good time while we were in it. i’m older, it’s hard. I don’t drink either so bars are out…very weird. But, with a sense of humor, very funny.

  11. I was just poking around, looking at old posts and omg Tracy this is f’n hilarious. Tears were literally rolling down my face..I was cracking up so hard. Thank you.

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