creative masturbation techniques

I know a lot of guys who love to masturbate.  And by a lot, I mean all.

I have been researching this topic for many years, I find it captivating.  Jerking off stories are hilarious, particularly the more creative ones.  These usually take place when you guys first learn about the amazing super powers of you penis, and the ability to actually shoot stuff out of it.  Obviously the fascination never ends, but in those beginning stages of adolescent horniness, the imaginative, ingenious methods conjured up have had me on the edge of my seat, eyes the size of saucers, jaw in my lap.  My reaction to these stories always ends the same way, with tears running down my legs.

Maybe I think it’s so funny because penises are funny.  Of course they’re not funny when they are inside of you, but when they’re just hanging around, they make me giggle.  If I had one of my very own, I would masturbate like it was my job.  Without a doubt.  I would play with it like a new puppy.

So without further ado, I give you Creative Masturbation Techniques and Stories That I Have Actually Heard.

*don’t worry, if these stories look disturbingly familiar, all names have been changed to protect your happy penis shenanigans.

The Tube Sock:

When Mark first discovered the joy of spending alone time with his penis, he just couldn’t get enough of himself.  He soon realized however, that semen was messy.  In order to protect his new favorite past-time from his mother, Mark had to find a way of keeping the stuff off of his sheets (and walls, and toilet seats, etc…)  Mark had an idea!  He would simply take off one of his tube socks, cover his penis, and beat-off directly into it, then toss it into the hamper, no muss no fuss.  This went beautifully and Mark spent his adolescence happily burning through tube socks like Lance Armstrong and Testosterone, unsuspected.

It wasn’t until years later when Mark suspected his own son of being at that stage.  Lingering around the dinner table on Thanksgiving with his extended family, out of earshot from the kids, he made a casual comment about his suspicion.  After quite a few glasses of Chardonnay, his Mother exclaimed to the table, “Honey, you’ll know for sure if his tube socks stand straight up by themselves when you go to do the laundry!”  All of the sudden, a grown man, Mark was a 14 year old boy, caught with his dick in his hand.

The Baggie:

When Travis was turning the corner into manhood, just like every other boy, he was obsessed with the wonderful new feeling his penis provided.  His Mom didn’t return home from work until around 4:30, so it became his favorite after school activity.  After some time of the same old same old, Travis was getting bored, and wanted to expand his masturbatory horizons.  He had an idea!  Travis went into the kitchen and got himself a plastic sandwich baggie and brought it back into his room.  Looking around, he found the lotion and squirted some into the baggie.  He laid the open Playboy on the edge of his bed.  Another idea struck him and he went to find a lighter from his Mother’s dresser drawer.

He ran back into his room and closed the door, excited and aroused as only a 15 year old with a bag of lotion and a lighter can be.  He pulled his shorts and underwear to his ankles and got on his knees in front of his bed.  He held the lighter far enough away from the lotion baggie not to burn it, but to warm it sufficiently.  Once to his desired temperature, he inserted the warm baggie filled with lotion between the mattress and the boxspring, inserted his penis, and went to town.  About 12 pumps into his simulated vagina fantasy, his door swung open, and there was his Mom, home from work early.  They had a deer-frozen-in-headlights moment, then she closed the door and exited the room.  Travis withdrew his shrunken and disappointed penis and began his full-blown panic attack.  They pretended it never happened and never spoke a word of it to each other.

Now…take a bathroom break, I saved the best for last…

The 10 Step Chiquita Vagina:

Much like Travis, Dan was getting pretty tired of the old rub and tug, and was dying to feel what it would be like to be inside of someone/thing other than his own sweaty palm.  Dan was a visionary.  He dreamed big, and had developed a very elaborate system that he used for years.  There would be no tube socks or baggies for Dan, no sir, he was going to make a vagina if it killed him.  After much trial and error, Dan struck gold.  He had an idea!  His simulated vagina recipe went like this:

1.  Get a ripe banana (ripe was crucial)

2.  Cut the end of the banana off to match the length of your erect penis.

3.  Procure a roll of duct tape.

4.  Tear off approximately 3-4 4″ strips and leave hanging off the edge of a table/counter.

5.  Place the banana in the microwave for 30-45 seconds.

6.  Remove banana and carefully squeeze out the inside, leaving the skin in tact.

7.  Place the banana shaft over your penis.

8.  One at a time, wrap the duct tape around the banana peel, to ensure the peel does not split or rip open.

9.  Place duct-taped banana peel back in microwave for 20 seconds.

10.  Remove from microwave, insert penis, and enjoy your chiquita vagina.


I can with 100% certainty predict that at least one guy will try the banana thing.

93 replies

  1. Tracy, ya always crack me the hell up ! And NO … I will not be trying the banana thing (that you know of) !!! 😉

  2. I know why you are freshly Pressed… You are funny funny 🙂 Tears down my legz and coffee out my nose on the banana..Oh heck you know what I mean.. Keep on Tracy Keep on…..

  3. Tracy,
    I’m a tad off topic here… I tend to do that, I have the attention span of a 2-yr old clown, but tell me… How did you manage to get Freshly Pressed with topics like these? I mean, don’t get me wrong, your blog belongs on my very, very large blogroll, but WordPress has been known to… Freshly Press the “Gap Khaki Pants” posts…

    WordPress peeps, I love you, and I am not being a fucktard here, I’m just chatting with Tracy…
    Le Clown

  4. For just a second there I thought you said he put his penis in the microwave along with the banana peel, and I was going to be really impressed with his stamina. So I’m guessing he didn’t get caught with his pretend va-jay-jay?

  5. Tried number 2 and right as I start my door swings open and it’s my sister. She’s only nine so I did like a ninja front flip into my bed and hid under the covers ashamed ,but I don’t think she even knows what I was doing

  6. when i was about 14, my little sister had a doll that was about three feet tall. i used to stand in front of it, hold it’s hands on my cock, stroke myself with it’s hands, and then jizz it in the face.

    i was very advanced for my age. giving facials at 14. there’s gotta be an award for that.

  7. i like the reverse-hand technique, when the thumb and forefinger are turned inward and the pinky is away from the body. for some reason it’s an easier stroke, like pitching underhand instead of overhand. also, the part where the bottom of the forefinger connects with the bottom of the thumb sort of looks like a mouth, so i can more easily fool myself into thinking i’m getting a blow job.

    the only downside is that when i shoot, it’s less visible. i’m a visual person. except when it’s dark. then i’m invisible.

    • the reverse hand technique sounds incredibly awkward and uncomfortable, like masturbating with the wrong hand, something reserved solely for backup.
      on another note, i have apparently cornered the market on “creative masturbation” and “masturbation techniques”. I get over 500 hits per day on that post. People really like to jerk off.

  8. I sent you a story of mine over email. did you get it? or would you rather me put it in a comment, cause i could do that.

      • So there was an empty paper towel roll sitting on the floor of my bathroom. Now being 15, and getting ready to whack it, I got an idea. I lubed up, and stuck it in the paper towel roll, and then mounted it on the wall with tape. I began thrusting back and forth, like i was screwing someone. right as i climaxed, who should walk in, but my 17 year old sister…

  9. i have been every where shearing my secret way, the best way. you know girls have vibrators well i found this “Roc skin renovator system” look it up you might be thinking skin remover wtf!!!! just don’t put the liquid subs tens on the item. you see there is a really soft top to it witch feels like a vagina and when it vibrates it stimulates you penis giving you so much pleasure. please buy this and try it out i nearly use it every day lol so much better than ribbing, no work involved just flick the switch and the fun begins

  10. Holy snappin’ duck shit I think I have tears running down my legs! I am now headed to the follow up…can’t wait…hooo, fuckin’ funny…REDdog

  11. I’m 55 years old and I still screw my bed with a plastic bag and I use a cucumber instead of a banana. Reading about this has made me horney, so guess what, I’m going to play with my puppy and mess on my tummy.

  12. I play with my penis as much as possible, though I never thought about using fruit. I love the way you say if you had one you would get nothing done, that is me in a nut shell. I masturbate every chance I can, sometimes waiting in the car as the wife shops. There is a rush that comes with that. The penis can get one into trouble if seen though, anyways nice stumbling onto your page.


  13. uk i masturbate quite a bit and i really need to find a “female friend” to “help me out” a little because my gf won’t do it for me , hell i dont think she even masturbates herself….

  14. Reblogged this on tracy fulks and commented:

    I find it incredibly amusing that out of my 280+ posts to this blog, that this one has received the most traffic, without fail, every single day. With that said, I thought it was worth a re-post. Enjoy!

  15. Good times here! I’ve been so entertained by your posts I temporarily lost interest in pulling one out.
    Anyone offended by wasting food move on…
    Boil some pasta, spaghetti or other noodle that’ll provide equal surface area, butter it up really well after draining the water off, LET IT COOL some then pack it into an appropriately sized mason jar, cover with plastic wrap (to semi contain the mess), slice plastic wrap and enjoy.
    A package of cold hot dogs is darn nice too…remove one or two from an eight pack…roll back the resealable opening. Seems to work best to rest to package on a solid surface, so you’re able to hold it firm from the top side.
    First item on next grocery list: Bananas

  16. I’m a male to female crossdresser and love to masturbate but I wish I had tits to go with my dick. OMG the banana tip is awesome! Thanks for sharing!

  17. the vacuum hose on our old electralux canister-style carpet sweeper, apply end of engaged sucking hose onto area of clit and inner labia and clit are sucked off better than any human wow now that is a clit pump,
    yes i am very interested in the kink areas of sensual play.

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